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2020 was a bust, let’s be honest. The other day, James and I were discussing how 2021 feels like a year for damage control. Although we laughed at this, it is nerve-racking to think we’ll be entering another 365 days of unknowns! Luckily, out of all the uncontrollable happenings of 2020, we still have a few redeemable power moves, one being the almighty resolution. As a sex writer and enthusiast, I challenge all of us to become better versions of our erotic selves, and a great place to start is with these 10 sexually liberating New Year’s resolutions!
1. Redefine what sex and intimacy mean to you
When you hear the word “sex,” or “intimacy,” what comes up for you? Do you respond positively? Are you putting yourself and others in a box?
By redefining what sex and intimacy mean to you, you clarify expectations, and identify constrictive beliefs or messages you may have adopted. You may also discover that the language you use is limited or even sex-negative! The detail to remember is that sex and intimacy are umbrella terms – a spectrum for a range of identities, desires, and behaviors. There is no one-size-fits-all. So, reflect on what feels good and natural for you, and pinpoint desires or interests that have gone unexplored. Start by writing down five to ten ideas you have about sex and intimacy, and ask yourself:
🖤 Is this message or idea serving or limiting me?
🖤 What is a more sex-positive way to look at this?
2. Learn to love your body on its own
Take it from someone who once suffered from body dysmorphia, how you perceive your body has a direct impact on your sexuality! I don’t know if it’s because I’m almost thirty or what, but I’ve never loved my body more! That isn’t me trying to brag, but only assure you that you too can adore your form! Learning to love your body on its own, without someone else’s love or approval, is a precious journey. It starts with self-talk: becoming mindful of all the subtle ways your brain undermines or depletes you, and then countering those messages with strong, constructive ones.
Here are a few tools I used to dig my way out of insecurity and into body-positivity:
🖤 Affirmations in the morning and at night
🖤 Meditation focused on confidence and body awareness
🖤 Masturbation. Because you can’t learn to love yourself until you really love yourself
🖤 Other forms of movement, such as dance or yoga
🖤 Gratitude, mindfulness, and self-acceptance
🖤 I wore the outfit I was afraid of and it felt amazing
3. Add a new book or podcast to your library
There is an abundance of media to awaken or quench your sexual curiosity. For fiction lovers, you can find anything from sensual to hardcore through classics like Anaïs Nin, to modern erotica, like Fifty Shades of Grey. For those who are more academically inclined, the internet is a bottomless library of diverse topics. Are you more of an auditory learner? I recommend podcasts like Science of Sex with Dr. Zhana, Disability After Dark with Andrew Gurza, Doing It! with Hannah Witton, The Dildorks by Becs and Kate Sloan, The Sexually Liberated Woman with Ev’yan Whitney, or Sex Ed in Color by Cameron Glover.
4. Take the risk you’ve been avoiding!
Sexual liberation and confidence are connected. Confidence, I find, is built through the actions we take that reinforce self-efficacy – accepting yourself and your abilities. Most times, confidence lies on the other side of our fear, so this year, why not commit to doing that one thing that scares you most? I’m talking about the leap you’ve always dreamed of taking.
What have you been holding off on because of insecurity or uncertainty? Remember, the first step is always the hardest. Be the boss that you know you are and take the risk you’ve been avoiding.
5. Define your 2021 sex goals
Sexuality is a spectrum, so you’ll have to define these goals for yourself.
Are you single, but want to up your dating game?
Are you married, but fantasize about role play?
Are you happy and solo, but always wanted a sacred sexual space where you can worship your own body, and take pleasure to the next level?
Start with three actions and see how they go. This can be an ever-growing list, filled with nothing but pleasure and good vibes.
6. Commit to making the first move.
Regardless of where we are in our journey, we all have our ideal meet-cute. We want our story to be inspiring, make others crawl with envy.
Maybe you are someone who believes sitting back and waiting will attract the right people. I like to believe that being pro-active in your sex and romantic life is critical, regardless of what rom-coms tell you. So, next time you see something you want, go after it. I dare you.
What’s the worst that could happen? You get a “no” thrown your way. And yet, the bestcase scenario is you make a great connection and feel an influx in confidence!
7. Give someone outside of “your type” a chance
Ya, okay, maybe the guy isn’t as tall as you thought you’d like, but damn can he make you laugh!
Sure, maybe she’s edgier than you imagined, but my oh my is she fun!
The lesson here is not to shut people out based on a rigid criterion. Before James, I only dated short and stocky guys, with rough edges. Now I’m married to a tall, classy Frenchman! When I introduced him to friends and family, they were as shocked as I was, and yet, I’ve never been happier. Some people may surprise you in the best way possible, so give them a chance.
8. Try a new place once a month
In the theme of going outside your comfort zone, get out of your regular mindset by trying a new place at least once a month. Depending on your interests, this could include a new bar, restaurant, library, social club, art class — you name it.
As always, we want you to remain Covid-conscious. Depending on where you are in the world, outdoor activities and gatherings may be prohibited. As an alternative, try a virtual event once a month, such as online speed dating or an interactive workshop. Can’t find anything appealing? Host your own!
9. Date night
I’m an advocate for date night, whether you’re single, looking, or taken! Everyone should have a designated time for self-celebration or celebrating the relationships you’re in. I suggest making this a weekly occurrence without screens. Date night doesn’t always mean leaving the house, and since we’re in the middle of a pandemic, this may take some creativity on your part. Add a theme! For example, pick a country and build your night around that. Italy? Whip up your favorite pasta dish, pour some red wine, and seduce each other with your Latin tunes and moves.
10. Don’t do it alone
Whether you have a partner, a best friend, or a community, take them along the journey with you! Make a mutual commitment to these 10 sexually liberating New Year’s resolutions! Although some items on this list are best done alone, having an accountability partner, and someone to share the results with, will make it all the more exciting! Set up a monthly check-in, and discuss what is working for you and where you’re struggling?
Life is short, and sex is good! Let 2021 be your year of connection with yourself and others.
Until next time,
Fuck well, friends!
Quean Mo xx
