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Sexuality is a spectrum. If you continue to read my work, you’ll hear me repeat this. Thinking there is a “normal” way to have sex devalues human diversity, imagination, and pleasure. Sex encompasses much more than penetration; it is a vast playground of desire. In this post I’ll explore four Misunderstood Sexual Fantasies, so let’s dive in!
Preferences vs. Choices
The LGBTQ+ community, perhaps, has a more heightened sense of the blatant difference between preference and choice. Misled individuals think the LGBTQ+ community is disregarding choice when they “decide” to be non-conforming or attracted to same-sex individuals. Heterosexual individuals are rarely confronted by this dichotomy because their sexuality fits into the terms of our modern narrative. In other words, the desires of het individuals have been authorized by society and haven’t required defending.
I ask, then:
If tomorrow, the government outlawed all heterosexual behaviours because they were deemed dangerous, would your desires suddenly adhere to that restriction? Even if you eliminate pre-conceived beliefs regarding the morality of homosexuality, to change one’s pattern of desire – one’s orientation – isn’t viable. This is the difference between choice and preference:
One is the ability to change: having the option to make a decision on the matter. The other is a predisposition.
I am attracted to both men and women, for example. My sexual attraction is not a choice, it is simply my body’s rule — something I cannot change.
Sexual orientation is a preference, not a choice. However, preference is not exclusive to orientation. It can be applied to the way in which people have or desire sex. A very interesting and personal version of this exists in the exploration of fantasies.
Fantasies
Sexual fantasies are as unique as the person having them. What intrigues me most about sexual fantasies is that not all are accompanied by the desire to execute (to live them out), nor do fantasies necessarily reflect actual wishes.
I took time to explore my own fantasies, as well as fantasies that tend to receive the most negative responses – the most misunderstood sexual fantasies. For that reason, I am including an author’s note: some discussions below deal with the sensitive subject matter, such as domination, submission, and forced sex.
Again, fantasies are simply that, fantasies, and I hope you will stay with me long enough to gain a different understanding and appreciation for the power of the mind and sexual desire.
Exhibitionism
If you Google this term, you will be met with a definition that includes the words “disorder” and/or “condition.” Imagine being an individual who seeks the thrill of such a “condition.” Are they doomed as a result of this so-called sexual perversion?
Short answer: no.
Long answer: let’s define it.
Exhibitionism, as defined by Kinkly, a Canadian-founded online sexuality resource, is “a fairly broad term, as it includes everything from sexual acts performed in public to exposing oneself or another in public.”
The desire to perform a sexual act or expose oneself in front of an audience – be it of one person or more – is not inherently bad. There are different types of exhibitionism. Kinkly defines two: threatening (i.e. indecent exposure) and non-threatening. Like all sexual experiences, for it to be considered non-threatening, each participant should be the age of consent, enthusiastically consenting, and of sound mind. If we take those elements into account, exhibitionism simply becomes exposure to, or a performance for, interested observers and participants. Characteristics that would normally be “threatening,” are now accepted as a form of play by the parties involved.
What’s great about this fantasy is it can be easily enacted at designated sex parties and clubs. It also benefits individuals with the complementary fantasy, or fetish: voyeurism. Voyeurs are individuals who receive sexual gratification from watching or viewing activities involving sexual exposure. Similar to the exhibitionist being stigmatized as the creepy guy in a trench coat, voyeur is cast as a peeping-Tom.
Voyeurs can find fulfilment through the same non-threatening provisions as the exhibitionist, in the same spaces. Many sex clubs have what are called “viewing rooms” built for individuals to carry out sexual acts – be it with themselves or others. Voyeurs can watch these acts through double-sided mirrors, holes in the walls, or other viewing mechanisms. Individuals who choose to perform in these viewing rooms are aware they may be watched, again, fulfilling and reciprocating the desires of both the exhibitionist and voyeur.
Foot Fetish or Foot Play
I remember as a young girl, hearing about a man on a bus who began licking a woman’s feet, who was arrested for sexual assault. At that time, I couldn’t understand, because the targeted part of her body seemed so unsexual to me. With age and maturity, I began to catch on…
During my time as a sex coach, my first four clients were foot fetishists. It was an education all on its own. According to Kinkly, fetishism is becoming a term for having a healthy erotic interest in anything. As I began taking on clients, I learned very quickly that there are three types of fetishes: optional, preferred, and exclusive. Optional fetishes are when an individual does not require a specific thing in order to reach sexual gratification. ‘Preferred’ includes individuals who favour a specific thing, but still do not require it to reach sexual gratification. Both ‘optional’ and ‘preferred’ fetishes may also be called kinks. Exclusive fetishes, on the other hand, fixate on a specific object or act that is required for that person’s sexual gratification. The foot fetishists that I know or have known all fell into the latter category.
One gentleman confided in me, sharing that penetrative sex with his girlfriend felt “dull” and “unexciting.” He assured me that he loved his girlfriend, and was sexually attracted to her; however, sex which excluded the feet was unappealing, even disconcerting. When I asked him to describe his ideal sexual experience, he said, “playing with and licking her feet, while I masturbate.”
A foot fetish can relate to the size, shape, or smell of the foot, or involve accessories, such as shoes or toe rings. Foot fetishism may be accompanied by other fetishes, such as submission, or masochism in the form of humiliation or pain. Foot fetishism is the most common fetish surrounding a specific body part and garment.
There is a lot of shame surrounding this fantasy and fetish. When people hear the term “foot fetish” they oftentimes relate it to people like the man on the bus, when in reality, having a fetish does not automatically make you a perpetrator, nor does it indicate your lack of control over that fetish.
Treating fetishes as a natural desire rather than a perversion helps to eliminate negative behaviours. By normalizing the diversity of fantasies and fetishes, shame cannot continue to repress and oppress.
Which brings me to another deeply condemned fantasy…
Domination and Submission
I recently had a conversation with a friend about my D/s relationship. You see, my husband is a dominant. I consider myself a switch, but because his preferred fetish is domination, with him, I exercise my desire as a submissive.
My friend found this alarming. She experienced sexual abuse as a child and associates sexual control with abuse. The idea of someone being sexually dominated appalls her.
Taking into consideration the traumatizing experiences she faced as a child, I explained the reality of my sexual relationship with my husband. I, of course, asked for her permission to speak about it, as I did not want to further trigger, nor deepen her trauma. When she gave me the green light, I went on to explain that I am a switch. What this means is, I have the desire to both dominate and submit sexually. With male partners, I tend to lean more submissive. What most people do not understand is both the dominant and submissive are playing a role. What even more people don’t understand is that the dominant, although seemingly in control of the physical and mental state of the submissive, has been given boundaries they cannot push or pass.
In other words, my husband is handed the blueprint to my pleasure, and I consent to him doing whatever he wishes within those confines. This ensures I am well in the bounds of my own comfort and desires, and he is content within the illusion of exercising complete control.
Both parties are excited, happy and satisfied.
On the surface, I understand it’s easy to mistake these exchanges as violent and abusive; however, there are many stages in building a D/s relationship, and if done correctly, each stage eliminates any possibility of that. Communication is the cornerstone of a successful relationship. It becomes more integral in higher risk situations such as D/s interactions. Safe words are established, boundaries are discussed, and after-care is implemented.
Having D/s fantasies is not an abnormal phenomenon. The success of Fifty Shades of Grey is proof of that! Studies are beginning to show that BDSM practitioners are psychologically healthier than the general population: more extraverted, open, conscientious, less neurotic, and less sensitive to rejection. Don’t let that pressure you, though. Remember, sexuality is a spectrum, and there is no superior version. When people experience a healthy sexual lifestyle, it has positive effects overall.
Forced Sex
According to Michael Castleman, M.A at Psychology Today, studies show three overlapping explanations for women’s forced sex or “rape” fantasies:
The first is sexual desirability. Think Fifty Shades of Grey, Twilight, and the new and controversial Netflix show, 365 Days, wherein a man becomes entirely consumed by the female protagonist, and his entire world revolves around her and his desire to have her. According to Castleman, “rape fantasies bolster feelings of seductiveness and desirability.” The idea of a man needing to have them right then and there is, well, hot af.
The second explanation has to do with avoidance of sexual blame. “Women’s erotic desires may trigger feelings of anxiety, guilt and shame,” Castleman states. Fantasizing about being raped removes sexual responsibility and therefore they “need not feel distressed about it.” Ironically, it is said that women who experience sexual shame, guilt and anxiety are less likely to explore more extreme forms of imagined sexuality, such as forced sex.
This leaves the most common explanation for forced sex fantasies, according to Castleman:
Women who enjoy sex and accept this about themselves without the negative feelings of shame, guilt or anxiety, are “sufficiently free to play with erotic scenarios beyond the boundaries of what they’d ever want to experience in real life.” In other words, women who are comfortable with their own sexuality, are also comfortable letting their imagination take them places that would otherwise feel off-limits.
It is worth repeating that although forced sex fantasies are common, they do not imply actual wishes. Nor are these fantasies an indication of a traumatic event. The mind is a safe place to explore without the pressure or expectation of bringing our fantasies to life. In saying that, forced sex play and abduction play are two safe and thrilling ways to explore whether a person could have real-life enjoyment without the real-life risk.
Like the submissive with their dominant, it is critical that this type of play be discussed in detail prior to participating. Because these are high-risk scenes, making sure they are carried out with an individual whom you trust and connect with is critical. Again, if there isn’t enthusiastic consent, this is a gate worth keeping closed.
In Conclusion
Fantasies are unique and harmless, so long as violent, or threatening behaviours do not arise from them. If you decide to bring any of them into reality, there are always things to consider, especially when they are more extreme in nature. In a culture that represses sexuality, it can be difficult to accept even your most inner desires and thoughts, let alone any seemingly extreme forms of sexual curiosity. If human sexuality and the commonness of fantasy were more frequently discussed, there would be less criticism, judgment, and fear.
Sexual fantasies are an integral part of who we are, and learning to embrace that part of the self will aid in self-confidence and relationships.
