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Google defines “kinky” as “involving or given to unusual sexual behavior.” As a BDSM practitioner, and cuckquean, in an ethical non-monogamous relationship, I can assure you that being kinky is much more nuanced, and much less unusual than we’re led to believe. So, what does kinky mean?
Kinky Mental Health
To have kinks, or find kinky sexual activity appealing, is not bizarre or provocative, despite society’s historical perception. In fact, many studies have correlated practitioners of kink, specifically BDSM, with better mental health than non-practitioners. Don’t worry, we’re not asking you to switch your sexual practice for the sake of your wellbeing! Rather, what this suggests is…
Kinky individuals tend to:
🖤 Show greater signs of self-awareness
🖤 Exercise better communication skills
🖤 Are more accepting of their sexual desires
A kinky example:
When James first disclosed his sexual preference as a Dom, he also inquired about my sexual desires. Prior to him, I had a total of one “successful” conversation about desire with a partner, which ended with him saying “sex is something you do, not something you talk about.”
Yikes!
So, you can imagine how relieved I was to see James’ confidence and respect for both our time and needs. He didn’t want either of us to engage intimately if there was no compatibility. Lucky for us, we complemented each other. That conversation helped us navigate our sexual relationship early on, permitted us to self-reflect on our needs, and express them with ease.
Sexuality and Pleasure
Kink is an umbrella term for alternative ways to perceive sexuality and pleasure. Kink, or kinky sex, is anything beyond the missionary, penile-centric, love-making that appears in most Nicholas Sparks films.
Kinky Practices
Kink, although historically connected to unusual idiosyncrasies and pathology, includes broad forms of practice and expression.
Some practices include:
🖤 Fantasy and role play
🖤 Fetishes
🖤 Dirty talk
🖤 Cucking
🖤 Impact play
🖤 Financial domination
🖤 Orgasm control
🖤 Wearing kinky clothes, fetish gear
🖤 Use of toys and equipment
A kinky example:
As mentioned, James is a Dom. D/s scenes are his preferred sexual practice. James is also, what I call, a Service Top, meaning he derives pleasure from giving me pleasure. I, on the other hand, am a Switch. I am adaptable to my partners’ needs, even if I prefer the sub-space. Additionally, I am a cuckquean and have a mask and bondage fetish.
Non-Sexual Kink
Not all kink includes a sexual act. Take for instance that time James and I went to a TNG (The Next Generation) Meetup at a BDSM dungeon. Sexual stimulation – the stimulation of the genitals – was prohibited; however, its attendees had other ways of experiencing pleasure…
NS Kinky Practices Include:
🖤 Impact play
🖤 Relinquishing or gaining control
🖤 Being bound or restrained
🖤 Practicing obedience
Some practitioners are interested in the physical sensation or emotional states that can be reached through kink, sans sexuality. There are many asexual kink practitioners!
A kinky example:
During a visit to the Oasis Aqua Lounge in Toronto, we met a sex worker who had been hired to keep her Client on a leash the entire evening. The client donned a puppy mask and was ordered to walk on all fours. At the end of the night, I saw him replace his puppy gear with a blue business suit and his submissiveness with a stoic demeanor. I learned he was the President of Sales for a large company, and to decompress from a hard day’s work, he hired a dominatrix to strip him of the control and responsibility he carried in daily life.
There is No “Normal” in Pleasure
If Kink can teach us anything, it’s that there is no template for pleasure. Being kinky is so individual, it makes the “normalcy” conversation moot. For someone like me, I find this liberating!
A kinky example:
A few years ago, I met Button-Dick Brian, another kinky, Rebel Love author. He was very open about his foot fetish, submissiveness, and masochism. What I deeply admired about this was how his self-acceptance granted him a sexually satisfying life. Throughout his journey, he understood that the more he fought his own desires, the greater the discomfort. He teaches us that releasing our fear creates space for a happy, kinky existence.
To Kink or Not to Kink
Whether you consider yourself kinky or not, remaining positive about diverse [sexual] practices gives others permission to live their happy, kinky life! If you are finding it difficult to navigate your kink due to guilt or other blocks, there are kink-friendly therapists ready to help!
Until next time,
Stay kinky, friends!
Quean Mo xx
