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I have to admit that being married in the time of Covid is something I’m incredibly grateful for. Being out of the dating scene during this time definitely has its perks. We all know that dating can be anxiety-inducing on a good day, but add a layer of social distancing, and (depending on where you live) technology-required encounters… sounds like my kind of hell.
Whether you’re back in society – like our badass New Zealanders – or making the best of lockdown, here is a guideline on what comments and topics to avoid during date numero uno – a cheat sheet to help decrease any rising panic. Curious how I rounded up these 15 things you should never say on a first date (or maybe ever…)? Personal experience! Yes, during one date or another, these things came up. So, I can personally assure you that if you keep these 15 things under lock and key, you may just find yourself dating a Quean 😉.
Stay away from intrusive, potentially objectifying questions or comments…
1. How much do you weigh?
2. What size are your boobs?
3. How many mxn have you slept with?
4. Have you ever had a threesome with another womxn?
Stay safe with the classic, “you look really nice,” or, “pretty,” or “beautiful.” Avoid words, questions, or comments, that sound superficial, sensual, or seductive in your head, as they may be misconstrued as creepy or reaching for more than the intended get-to-know-you feel of the date.
As you become more familiar with a person, you will be able to gauge what language they enjoy hearing – what makes them feel empowered versus diminished – and what they are looking for in a romantic and sexual context. Don’t jump the gun!
Avoid familial comparisons, and leave the past out of it…
5. You remind me of my sister/mother!
6. My ex was stunning (and then proceeded to show me a half-naked picture of her).
Womxn have been socialized to compete with one another. It’s a game we’re trying to escape from, so we don’t need the added pressure from you! My advice: avoid the Norman Bates vibe and stop comparing your dates to your mother or any other relative. Also, it’s best you leave your ex out of it; we’re there to get to know you, not to receive a bio on the last person who broke your heart.
Drop your baggage and negativity at the door…
7. Sorry, you’re just catching me on a bad day…
8. Please don’t sleep with one of my friends.
As mentioned, first dates can be absolutely nerve-racking, but on the flip side, there’s potential elation. So, showing up in a bad mood, or with bizarre, offside demands related to past experiences, will not work in your favor. In fact, if you’re holding on to negativity, it’s best you cancel the date and work yourself out. Trust me when I say that being the butt-end of someone’s unprocessed emotions is far from a joyride.
Stop questioning and sharing your perspective on our sanity and intellect…
9. My ex was crazy, with a capital “c”!
10. You’re still single. So, what’s really wrong with you?
11. Womxn are… (bitchy, emotionally unstable, loose canons…)
12. You’re a writer? Finally, a womxn who knows how to spell!
Surprise, surprise, womxn have a brain and emotions!
Defending myself or others on a date is not ideal. It’s 2021 people, and if you’re looking for a battle of the sexes, a romantic outing is not the place for it. Save yourself and that poor womxn the time and mental energy, and find an outlet for your sexism.
Lose the expectations…
13. I expect my future girlfriend to dress and act modestly.
14. I want to get married and have a huge family!
15. It’s good that you’ve slept with less people than me.
If your goal is to scare the person off, these may work wonders for you.
Otherwise, giving judgmental standards for a future partner, or a blueprint of your family planning may come on a little strong. Maybe let the person figure out if they want a second date before they decide whether they’ll bear your children…
First Date Triumphs
The most memorable first dates I experienced started off with a bit of nervousness, but quickly led to great conversation, and oftentimes, a lot of laughter. The best first date I ever had was with my husband. What made it so wonderful was we didn’t put pressure on ourselves or each other. We approached the date with curiosity, not judgement. Both James and I have been in enough relationships to know that we can’t change people, so we let them show us who they truly are. From there it’s a simple decision based on these questions:
💘 Are we compatible enough?
💘 I find them physically and intellectually attractive?
💘 Do I enjoy their company enough to continue getting to know them?
💘 Do I have that feeling* with and for them?
We privately asked ourselves this set of questions every step of the growing relationship. Luckily for us, the answer has always been a resounding yes!
From someone who truly believes they’ve found the deepest and most beautiful love they could, my final piece of advice is this: don’t settle. Of course, every relationship requires compromise; however, the things that bring you true peace and joy will never be on the line with the right person (or people). Sacrifice and compromise are two very different things.
So, to all the beautiful singles out there: best of luck! I know times are strange, but love is one of life’s greatest gifts, in all its forms! Show yourself love first and know that your person(s) is just as excited and eager to cross paths with you. And maybe keep these 15 things that you should never say to a womxn on a first date in mind while venturing your dating journey!
Until next time,
Fuck well, friends!
Quean Mo xx
*That feeling – an indescribable feeling of admiration or affection for the person that is accompanied with increasing love and caring – it’s very individual, and only you can define it for yourself