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For many of us, self-pleasure and confidence are two elusive, seemingly unrelated concepts. We are experiencing an intense moment in history where people spend more time in their heads than their bodies. Our lack of presence makes us oblivious to our physical desires and cues. As a result, real, interpersonal connections are being lost, and stress levels are at their peak. Paralysis by analysis is a real thing, and human beings are becoming more separated from each other and the self.
This week I challenge you to reconnect self-pleasure and confidence. The easiest way to do that is by recentering yourself, getting back in touch with the basics, and owning your pleasure. Yes, it is a process, but I believe that if you begin here, you will be well on your way.
“Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live.” – Jim Rohn
1. Back to the Basics
Our bodies are machines that require nurturing in order to run optimally. At the end of each day, use this Back to the Basics checklist to take stock of how well you’ve treated your body.
🖤 Did I get a minimum of 8 hours of sleep last night?
🖤 Did I drink at least 3L of water today?
🖤 Did I spend at least 30 minutes outside today? Did I move my body for at least 1 hour?
🖤 Did I eat food that makes my body feel good?
🖤 Did I connect with at least one person I love or care for?
It’s important to keep in mind that, depending on your body’s makeup and rhythm, these measurements may vary. In saying that, human beings require consistent sleep, water, a healthy diet, sunlight, and connection. Understanding when and how you feel the most balanced in life is key to experiencing pleasure and confidence.
2. Move Without Mirrors
We are visual creatures. We also live in a world that places high value on external beauty. We each have our own version of what beauty is, which may be directly associated with the environment we grow up in, social and cultural norms. For such complex creatures, there is immense pressure to look good.
Truth is, we don’t just apply this pressure to others. We apply it to ourselves. Don’t get me wrong, feeling sexy is not inherently bad, I love me some thigh-highs and mini dresses; the difference, however, is I’ve learned to express myself from the inside out. More often than not, my exterior is a representation of how I perceive myself, not an indication of how I want others to perceive me. Why is this important? Because one is based on confidence, while the other is founded in validation.
One way I work on overcoming the need for external approval is a ritual I call Moving Without Mirrors (MWM). It’s simple:
🖤 Find a private space in your house or outside, where you cannot see your reflection (no mirrors, no windows). If you’re in a private space, I recommend doing this practice in the buff!
🖤 With your phone or speaker, turn on music or sounds that inspire you.
🖤 Close your eyes and take five slow breaths, in and out. Focus on this.
🖤 Continue breathing normally again. Deepen your focus to get a sense of your body’s state. What is it feeling?
🖤 Begin swaying to the music/sound, slowly giving control to your body’s natural rhythm and movements. At this stage, you may open your eyes.
The purpose of this activity is to recenter and deepen your body awareness. My suggestion is to commit to three songs or set a timer of 15 minutes. Want to take this self-pleasure activity up a notch? Set aside ten minutes before and after the practice to do some journaling. Answer the following questions:
Before Practice
🖤 In three words, how would I describe my current mental state?
🖤 How does my body feel? If there’s any tension/pain, where?
🖤 What do I hope to gain from this MWM practice?
After Practice
🖤 In three words, how would I describe my current mental state?
🖤 How does my body feel? If there’s any tension/pain, where?
🖤 What did I gain from this MWM practice?
Once completed, compare both sets of answers.
3. Intentional Down Time
For parents or people with highly demanding careers, you may be scoffing at this heading. If that’s the case, may I suggest that you need this self-pleasure practice more than anyone.
I remember visiting my sister in New York City years ago. She had class during the day, and I was too hyped to see the city to wait for her return. After taking myself out for a beautiful lunch, I called a friend. When I shared my activities of the day, she was dumbfounded: “You ate at a restaurant by yourself!? And you weren’t embarrassed?” To this day, I can’t wrap my head around her response. Could living independently in the smallest ways really be that scary?
This friend would later give up dreams of travelling over the fear of doing it alone. She was convinced she had to wait for the right person to come into her life before she could start living.
How many of you have refused to do something you love because (a) you didn’t have anyone to do it with, and/or (b) you felt that there were more important things to do than taking time for yourself?
When you decide to take time for yourself, you rediscover your value, beyond your job, your role as a caretaker, a parent, a boss, a student, etc.…
We are human beings, not human doings! Where there is love, there is life.. If you can’t take five minutes, let alone an hour, out of your day to sit and be with yourself, it may be time to reevaluate yourself. Here are some journal prompts for that:
🖤 If nothing changes, what will the next year look like for me (physically, mentally, emotionally, socially)? 5 years? 10 years?
🖤 If the only way to add to my life is to first subtract from it, what would be the first 2-3 things I’d remove?
🖤 When was the last time I had a real, deep, belly laugh?
🖤 What is something I love that I haven’t done in a long time? How and when could I fit it into my schedule?
Schedule an hour for yourself this week. Give yourself the space to figure out how this time can benefit you. Set boundaries and purpose. In the end, make sure it’s an hour of selfish devotion. A great way to ensure that…
4. The Big “O”
You didn’t think I was going to write an entire post about self-pleasure and confidence without a little naughtiness, did you?
Understanding your own desire is, like, super important. I can’t stress how critical this topic is! If we don’t understand our body’s wants and needs, how can we expect others to? If we don’t want to fuck ourselves, why would anyone else?
I believe self-exploration is the ultimate self-pleasure practice because it has the power to unlock so much knowledge and confidence! Get the inside scoop on your own brain and genitals! For a lot of us, this can be overwhelming. I recommend you begin slowly. Read a book like, Woman: An Intimate Geography by Natalie Angier and Women’s Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure by Sheri Winston. Not only does she provide a deep dive into female anatomy, she offers self-pleasure exercises and rituals.
If you are someone who has experienced trauma in this area, first and foremost, I want to acknowledge you and your strength. If your personal process requires deeper assessment and empowerment work, I recommend Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines.
This practice is not a one-size-fits-all. It requires mindfulness and intention, and despite its name, does not need to end in orgasm. You are the practitioner; therefore, you decide. Here are my suggestions for getting started:
🖤 Schedule it – I’m serious, take your calendar and block out an appropriate window of time. Again, I recommend a minimum of an hour.
🖤 Make sure you choose a space that you will be alone in (without interruption).
🖤 Understand that your pleasure is yours, no one else’s! What does this mean? What you think about and how you touch yourself is no one else’s business. There should be no guilt and shame in fantasy. Don’t believe me, check out my last article Four Misunderstood Sexual Fantasies!
Here are some recommended pleasure aids:
Lube
Despite common belief, vaginas vary in their levels of natural lubrication. Having this on hand can make both independent and partnered sexual experiences all the more enjoyable.
Clitoral Vibrators
Only 1 out of 4 vagina-owners orgasm through penetration alone, and those orgasms aren’t even consistent. This has to do with the structure of the female pleasure anatomy (again, I highly recommend Sheri Winston’s book).
Insertables
For vagina owners who do enjoy penetration, dildos are a great way to explore the depths of your desires. I recommend Rabbit vibrators, as they have built-in clitoral stimulators.
Kegel Ball Sets
Although becoming “loose” as a result of sex or childbirth is a myth, the vagina is lined with muscle. Similar to any other muscle in the body, the more use, the stronger they become. Kegel ball sets can help strengthen the vaginal walls, which will result in greater sensation for the vagina owner during penetrative sex.
Benefits of exploration and self-pleasure of this nature:
🖤 Assists in eliminating pleasure blocks, both during independent stimulation and partnered.
🖤 Decreases body image challenges and insecurities.
🖤 Reconnects your mind and body relationship, so they work in alignment.
🖤 Can assist in healing trauma, as the individual regains power through desire and control.
Take the Leap
Saying “yes” to the self can be scary, especially when you live in a society that finds selflessness noble. Guess what? It’s not. The only person suffering is you, and at what expense?
Taking the leap towards self-pleasure and confidence will only benefit you and those you love. To help others, you first have to fill your cup. Let self-love overflow onto those around you.
Need more convincing? Here are just a few other incredible women with a self-love story of their own:
🖤 Shonda Rhimes’ Year of Yes
🖤 Maria Forleo’s Everything is Figureoutable
🖤 Jen Sincero’ You Are a Badass
Until next time,
Fuck well, friends!
Quean Mo xx
