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Peak, climax, orgasm. A natural, yet incredibly individual and unique experience. To address how to have an orgasm in a single post is an impossible task, as every body has different needs and desires. For that reason, I’m going to let you all in on a little secret: how to have an orgasm like a Quean… In other words, how, exactly, I reach orgasm.
This is not a template for pleasure. But at the very least, it will provide another version of the pleasure map for womxn*. It may offer a different perspective or something new to try. Below I share my solo practice, as well as how I reach orgasm with my husband, James.
The Key to Orgasm
The key to orgasm is getting acquainted with your body over a period of time and learning what you enjoy. Orgasm occurs through the gradual (or not so gradual, depending) build-up of arousal. That arousal can come about spontaneously, or because the context of your environment or situation was conducive to sexual provocation.
Generally, a womxn’s orgasm is dependent on a few variables. The first are, of course, context, level of arousal, and how easily you orgasm. Another factor is whether the type of stimulation provided is optimal for reaching orgasm. A harmful myth we receive is that womxn’s anatomy – and ability to orgasm – is much more complex, and difficult to reach, than men’s. Fortunately, self-exploration and communication skills can disprove this. In my article, Normalizing Sex with Female Pleasure, I go more in-depth about why womxn’s pleasure will change the traditional landscape of human sexuality.
Getting to know yourself takes time and practice. I have to admit that when James and I first got together, I had been in a series of less-than-satisfying relationships with cis-gendered men. The majority of that dissatisfaction was deeply rooted in my own beliefs surrounding sex and pleasure, and what I deserved in and outside of the bedroom. If you’re like me and found the love of your life before truly finding yourself, remember that you have the right to access your own body despite your relationship status, especially if it’s going to enhance the connection you have with yourself and your partner(s).
To assist, here are a few reflections to get you started on this journey:
🖤 How do you enjoy being touched and where?
🖤 Is there anything specific that puts you in the mood?
🖤 Do you require any additional tools or aids to reach orgasm?
🖤 What is your ideal length of time to masturbate?
🖤 Do you feel more satisfied with one or multiple orgasms?
🖤 When orgasming, what type of sensations and positions do you prefer?
🖤 If you have a partner, how easy would it be for you to discuss these things with them?
Solo Sessions
When I masturbate, I prefer quick sessions. In the last few years, I’ve included a visual aid to get me there faster. I especially enjoy ethical porn (EP) that includes women taking pleasure from breast-play or stimulation to the nipples.
My sessions usually begin with me on my back in bed or on the couch. By the time I decide to masturbate, I’m usually fairly aroused, and that arousal tends to occur spontaneously. Searching for the right EP video assists in increasing that arousal, as I anticipate the scene. When I hit play, I trace my fingers lightly around my clitoris (not on it), and just outside my inner labia, as this area is incredibly sensitive for me.
When I’ve reached a seven out of ten on my personal arousal scale, I move my attention to my clitoris. I begin tapping it gently with one or two fingers. I enjoy the tapping sensation as it provides very short intervals (bursts) of pleasure, which increases my longing. As the seven reaches an eight or nine, I begin to tap faster. At about nine, I begin softly rubbing my clitoris clockwise. I do this until I’m on the brink of orgasm, and to push myself over the edge, I press down on my clitoris with my hand, providing a constant stream of pressure, as I grind against it.
Since I can remember, I’ve been what is called a “friction masturbator.” For years, I was only able to masturbate on my stomach with a pillow between my legs. Luckily, with experimentation, I have been able to alternate between positions. Even so, when I climax, my body prefers the feeling of weight or pressure between my legs.
When I orgasm, I do so for several seconds without dropping back to baseline. I prefer one strong orgasm, rarely pursuing multiple as they tend to get duller over time. Although I highly recommend vibrators, I personally do not enjoy the orgasm as much, as my body receives it as a sharper climax with a rapid decline.
Partnered Pleasure
Unless I experience spontaneous arousal and initiate sex myself, this is the typical and best way James can help me reach orgasm.
Firstly, touch is my love language. Luckily for us, I enjoy receiving, while James prefers giving. We are highly complementary on this, so he enjoys taking his time on my entire body. Oftentimes, this takes the form of a massage or a light finger-grazing.
Even if we aren’t participating in a D/s scene, I enjoy being blindfolded. Removing sight offers a deeper focus, heightening my sensitivity to his touch. And, after six years together, married for nearly three, James knows all my erogenous zones – even the unusual ones. Any bend or crease my body has – behind the knees, bikini line, behind the elbows, even my armpits – are quick pathways to pleasure. He spends approximately twenty minutes giving me a rub down, never touching my vulva directly.
Because we have been together for so long, and continuously speak about sex, James is also very aware of my body’s cues. When I begin making small noises, arching my hips, breathing faster, he understands that my whole body is open to exploration. It’s at this moment he permits himself to lightly stimulate my vulva.
James uses very similar techniques as me when bringing me to orgasm. Solo play can easily translate into partnered experiences with the right communication. With James, for the strongest orgasm, there’s always increasing intensity to my clitoris, as well as stimulation to my breasts. As with solo sessions, I prefer one orgasm to multiple, as the first is always the strongest and lasts several moments.
More Sexy Fun
James and I have only recently incorporated sex toys into our partnered sessions. As mentioned, I prefer masturbating without vibrators; however, if you haven’t dabbled before, I highly recommend it!
Especially for womxn who have never experienced orgasm, or are looking to orgasm more often, we recommend The Magic Wand Massager and The Womanizer. For more sexy, fun items, check out these 13 Sex-Positive Items. And if you want to take your pleasure to the next level, check out my recent article on How to Find Your G-Spot!
Remember, sexuality is a spectrum, and there is no template to pleasure. Find your own roadmap on how to have an orgasm like a Quean. 🖤
Until next time,
Fuck well, friends!
Quean Mo xx
Womxn: a term and alternative spelling used in intersectional feminism, and to acknowledge the diverse range of gender identities, a-gendered, non-binary, and trans folk.
